The "Right" Way to Grieve

​Dr. Hannah Singer

Denial - Anger - Bargaining - Depression - Acceptance.

These so-called 5 stages of grief are widely recognized and accepted as the path mourners must go through in order to finally “move on” and “get over” the death of a loved one. But it’s time to say goodbye to this inaccurate and unhelpful road map of the grief process.

Decades of research have debunked this popular model of grief. The majority of people do not go through these 5 stages, and if they do, it’s not necessarily in that order. The Five Stages model creates expectations about what is “normal”. It implies that there is a right way and wrong way to grieve - anyone who is not progressing through the correct stages is said to be “not handling it well”. Or perhaps just “still in denial”..... READ MORE 

The Five Stage Model also suggests that grief is a linear process with an ending point at acceptance. In reality, grief is often a messy and bumpy road with periods of calm interrupted with what many refer to as “grief attacks”. And acceptance is a continuous process, not a one-time event. You don’t just get to acceptance and then poof- your grief is done. You may dip in and out of acceptance. You may never accept the reality of the loss. That doesn’t mean that you’re destined to a life stuck in the denial, anger, and depression stages.

A different approach

As a psychologist and psychotherapist, I spend a lot of time up close and personal with grief. I’ve run grief and loss support groups. I’ve worked with grievers in individual therapy. In my personal life, I’ve grieved the deaths of loved ones and have been there as friends and family have grieved their own losses. I also spent 3 years researching and writing my 200-page doctoral dissertation about factors that impact the grieving process. Through these personal and professional experiences with the grieving process, I have come to the following understanding of the grief process.

THERE IS NO "RIGHT" WAY TO GRIEVE.

Every single person will grieve differently depending on a thousand different factors (which explains why my dissertation was 200 pages….). Yes -  there are social and cultural norms about how you “should” feel or behave following a loss. My best advice is to throw these expectations out the window. Allow yourself to write your own rule book when it comes to your grief.

Feel whatever it is you are feeling - confusion, anger, sadness, guilt, relief, happiness, or maybe all of the above at the same time. You may feel relief at one moment and sadness the next. You may be completely numb for 2 months and then happy for 2 weeks and then suddenly start screaming at your DVR because it cut off the last 2 minutes of your favorite show. It’s all how you are “supposed” to feel because there is no “supposed” to when it comes to grief.

You are allowed to cry in your car on your lunch break. You are also allowed to never shed one single tear. You are allowed to be angry at the person who died. You are allowed to be angry at God. You are allowed to be angry at the people who do not have to experience the pain you are currently experiencing. You are allowed to not be feeling any pain at all.

It’s okay to visit the gravesite every day. It’s also okay to never visit the gravesite. You’re not crazy if you have daily imaginary conversations with the person who died. You’re not crazy if you still set a place for the person at the dinner table every night. You don’t ever need to “move on” or “accept” or explain yourself to anyone.

It’s all okay. It’s all the “right” way to grieve because it’s YOUR way!

5 "Rules" For Grieving

These are the only rules I'll ever suggest following:
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1. Surround yourself with people who accept you and support you even when you aren’t following society’s definition of the right way to grieve. You may already have these people in your life. If you don't, seek them out! Find a local grief support group or a counselor who is familiar with grief and loss. 
2. Be kind to yourself - this might mean giving yourself permission to RSVP “no” to your coworker’s baby shower because it’s just too much right now. It might mean accepting more help from others than usual. Maybe being kind to yourself means not labeling your thoughts and feelings as good/bad or normal/abnormal. Perhaps it means taking a day off work to binge watch Mad Men for the third time or treating yourself to a massage. Whatever it is, take extra care of yourself as you are healing.
3. Remind yourself that grief is not a linear process - you may feel okay for a while and then experience a “setback”, particularly around special occasions, milestone events, or death anniversaries. When this happens, refer back to Rule #2.
4. Seek professional help if grief becomes depression- if you’re experiencing symptoms of clinical depression or are having serious thoughts of suicide, seek treatment from a qualified mental health professional. About 10% of grievers develop traumatic reactions to loss and feel a subjective sense of being “stuck” in their grief. It’s also common for grief to trigger clinical depression, which is treatable with psychotherapy and/or medication. Don't go through this alone! You  can find a qualified mental health professional  on psychologytoday.com. or on your insurance provider's website. To learn more about individual therapy with me, click here.  
5. Extend compassion and understanding to other grievers who are not following society's expectations of grief. Remember that they are going through their own process, which is likely very different from your own. 

I wish you comfort on your journey through grief. I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes on grief and loss.  Feel free to share one of your favorites in the comment section below. 

Grief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve. -Earl Grollman